QUESTION
Dear Friendship Doctor,
About 10 years ago—and against my better judgment, because I had not wanted to pursue a relationship with her—I accepted an invitation from another woman, an acquaintance from a prior church, to meet her for lunch. There was nothing wrong with her, but she was not a person I was interested in being friends with. Therefore, I actually wouldn’t have accepted her invitation except that I felt sorry for her because of some health issues that she was developing.
Lunch went okay I guess, but then she started calling me, to get together again or to help with other things, like needing a medication picked up or giving her a ride to a doctor’s office. I do like to help people if they need it so on occasion I did help her or go out to lunch with her again. This was not often, not more than every three months or so. But the only reason it was this occasional was that, over time, I realized that she was rather “needy” and also manipulative. I was finding that the more I responded to her, the more she called and the more she wanted.
She was not a pest, she didn’t call constantly, but I strongly feel she WOULD have if I had kept responding. Every time I did something for her, it generated another call from her within the next day or two making another request. I still did not want to be friends, or even acquaintances anymore, but she clearly did, and I knew she thought I was a good friend to her. All this was despite the fact that I myself never initiated contact with her, because I still had no interest at all and didn’t want to lead her on; she was doing all the calling.
Then over time, I stopped picking up the phone when I saw her number, I let it go to the answering machine and didn’t return her calls for several days, just hoping she would start taking the hint. But she NEVER DID. She was still having health issues, she was still on medication, and was also not terribly stable at times. She would even call me and leave a message that I basically HAD to respond to — like the time she left the message that she had nominated me for Grand Marshal of the July 4 parade! — so immediately I had to find out who was in charge of that and get my name off the list!
Though I think she meant well, it was really an off-the-wall thing to do, and I’m certain it was also a tactic so that I would be forced to call her back to thank her (i.e., initiate contact with her). This has gone on for years, and by now I have made excuses not to do anything with her, as it is just prolonging the whole thing.
Finally, about a month ago, her adult children got her into an assisted living situation where she could get more help; this was in another suburb about 20 miles away. I was SO relieved, because this gave me a better excuse to be “unable” to see her because of the distance. She left me a phone message to tell me where she was now living, and I did not respond. But yesterday, I just got another phone message saying she is no longer living there (probably drove them crazy) and is now back here in my town, living in a different apartment complex and doing well, and left me her new phone number.
I’m happy that she is doing well, but here we go again. How can I extricate myself and STOP this relationship? She is a pleasant lady, really truly, and enjoys seeing me, and I don’t wish her ill at all, but I don’t want to be friends with her and never did!
What can I do? Is it okay to never return another phone call ever again? Because that is what I’d truly like to do. (I also work, have family at home, and have other things that take my time, including other friendships I would like to continue to cultivate.) I feel like a CAD, but this nice lady just won’t give it up. Advice? Thank you so much.
Signed, Kat
ANSWER
Hi Kat,
Friendships are voluntary relationships and, like romances, they involve a certain degree of “chemistry” between two people. Each person needs to determine whom they want to befriend and be befriended by—which friendships they want to pursue and those they want to pass up on.
You sound like a lovely person who is compassionate towards others. It seems like you allowed your kindness to rope you into doing favors for someone you really didn’t consider friend-worthy. If you had the time and inclination to do something nice for her, that’s fine but it doesn’t mean you have an ongoing obligation to continue.
It’s understandable that even though you didn’t extend invitations, the other woman may have interpreted your relationship as a friendship because you were responsive to her gestures and helped her out in different ways. You also suggest that you have some misgivings in that she may have been a bit manipulative, perhaps “guilting” you into helping her.
Although her moving into assisted living gave you a welcome hiatus from the “friendship,” that was short-lived and you really no longer want to have contact with this woman. My suggestion would be to let her know that you really don’t have time to continue the friendship or help her out because you are overextended with other work and family responsibilities of your own.
She may be disappointed but you aren’t being a cad. You have every right to opt out of a friendship you don’t want. Since she is a nice person and you bear her no ill will, telling a “white lie” is the most gentle approach you can take to ending the friendship. In the future, you need to remind yourself that you have the right to say “no,” even to friends.