Dear Dr. G.,
I am a teenage girl and l am from Zimbabwe. My mother is destroying my social life..whenever l make plans with my friends she wants their mothers’ numbers to confirm if it’s true. l have gotten to the point where l hook up with my friends when she’s at work. Recently l lied to her that l was going to watch a movie with some friends because l wanted to go to a party. l ended up coming home late and l told her the truth but she hit me. Today l asked her to go to a concert tomorrow with my friends but she refused saying I am not responsible. l don’t pick up my phone calls from my mother anymore.What should l do? Please help.
A Frazzled Teen
Dear Teen,
You and your mother certainly are embroiled in a relationship struggle but you already know that. I just want to validate how hard that must be for both of you. I doubt that it is your mother’s intention to destroy your social life but I also understand why it may feel that way to you. Perhaps you feel embarrassed that your mom calls your friends’ moms and are angry and frustrated that she doesn’t trust you.
I am not sure why your mother doesn’t trust you. Please ask yourself the following questions:
1. Did you do anything in the recent past that was unsafe and showed poor judgment?
2. Do you have a history of lying to your mom?
AND
3. Have you and your mother had a communication problem for a while?
If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions than you certainly have to look at your role in the problems that you and your mother are dealing with. Even if you lie to your mom or come home late very infrequently you and your mother still need to build up trust. That requires:
1. Communicating with your mom even when it is not about issues involving permission. You need to build a relationship.
2. Avoid lying. It is inherently insulting and damages all trust.
3. Stick to your agreements. If you say that you will be home at a specific time then come home on time or even 5 or 10 minutes early. Remember that your mother may worry about you and feel protective of you. Most mothers have these feelings.
AND
4. Please answer your mother’s calls or texts. It will help your relationship if you are communicating rather than ignoring her.
It is my hope that after you make these modifications your mother will be more trusting and no longer feel that she needs to call your friends’ mothers. I also hope that she no longer hits you. I am not a fan of any sort of physical aggression in any situation. If things don’t get better or there is more that you want to explain to me than please write back to me.