Hello Dr. G,
Please help! My husband and I are desperate.
Our 17-year-old daughter keeps going back to her boyfriend who is the same age and dumps her and makes her hurt so badly and then goes back to her with flowers, etc.
We are concerned that this is turning into an unhealthy pattern in her life.
How should we, as parents act and how can we help?
Frustrated Parents
Dear Frustrated Parents,
Thank you for writing to me. I understand why you are worried about your daughter. She is clearly in an on-and-off relationship that must create a significant amount of anxiety for her and for you her parents. We all know that mood is contagious and that it is almost unbearable to watch our children suffer.
Your daughter’s boyfriend seems to have a significant hold on her. One of the reasons for this is very clear to me. The boyfriend has your daughter on the most powerful reinforcement schedule. Psychologists refer to this as an intermittent schedule of reinforcement. Here, one delivers reinforcement like flowers, attention, etc. on a random schedule that is unpredictable. This keeps us working very hard to get that positive reinforcement. Sadly, the continuous schedule of reinforcement where compliments and kind behavior are delived on a continual basis is not as powerful. This is sad but it is true.
I’m not sure for what other reasons your daughter would be so attached to this young man but I, like you, am disturbed that he hurts your daughter. I don’t know if he is verbally or physically hurtful but either type of behavior is unacceptable. Ordinarily, I would suggest letting the relationship run its course but I certainly don’t recommend that in this case.
My best suggestion is that you get your daughter into therapy where she can work on her self-esteem issues and perhaps start to see this relationship for what it is: unhealthy, depleting and destructive. I believe that therapy is the best support that you can give your daughter. My hope is that your daughter will eventually become tired of and disgusted by this sort of relationship. Clearly, she needs some help understanding that relationships work best when they are nourishing and consistent rather than up and down like a roller coaster.